さぁいよいよ始まるよ、幻想卿中から命知らずのレーサーたちが集まった、「東方チキチキマシン猛レース」今日、勝利の栄冠を手にするのは誰かなぁー　一斉にスタートラインに向かった、「最初は９番キリサメ君のハッケロMini」「１０番、寅丸星はトットコスペシャルで勝負ッ」「６番、狙いを定めるネコグルマＧＴッ」「続いて7番ヤングファイブは防臭自動車だッ」「3番は天才発明家河城にとりのマジック二トリ」「お次は５番いつも美しいゆうかりん華麗にコースをかっ飛ばす。」「チルノ、大ちゃんは１番ヒョウカイ⑨」「2番不気味なヒュードロコウマ」「軽やかに続く４番クロイチェルザヤークッ」「それから８番は、いつもマイペースヒャッキSL」「最後はご存知、妨害専門の８９０マシンに乗った一番の悪知恵コンビ、脇巫女レイムと相棒のゆっくりだぁ」今日も汚い手を使うらしいぞッ　さぁスタート!!っと思ったら進まない？そらそうだ鎖でつながれてるんだもん。ところが８９０マシンも大逆走ッドジだねぇ　さぁ、今度こそ出発、東方チキチキマシン猛レース始まるよッ!!! うえぇあああ02月09日付のデイリーランキング 418 位にはいってう、ふ;ゆひゅうおおおおおおおおおおおっ!!!!

And now, here they are! The most daredevil group of drivers gathered from all over Gensokyo for the Touhou Wacky Races...competing for the title of the World's Wackiest Racer! The cars are approaching the starting line...

First is #9, the Hakkero Mini, driven by Magnificent Marisa. Next, Shou Toramaru in #10, the Scamperwagon. Maneuvering for position is the Wheelbarrow GT. Right behind is the Young Five Mob in #7, the Odorproof Bomb. And there's ingenious inventor Nitori Kawashiro in her Convert-a-Kappa.* Oh, and in #5, here's the always lovely Yuukarin, the shining sunflower speeding through the circuit. Next we have #1, the Icefloe-mobile ⑨ , with the Fairy Sisters, Cirno and Dai. Lurching along is #2, the Creepy Kouma, with the Devilish Duo, and right on their tail is the Red Eyes in #4, the Crimson Suppository. And there's #8, the Arkansas Pandemonium, with Suika and Yuugi Hoshiguma. Sneaking along last is that Mean Machine 890** with those double-dealing do-badders, armpit priestess Reimu Hakurei and her sidekick, Yukkuri. And even now, they're up to some dirty trick...

And they're off! ...to a standing start. And why not? They've been chained to a post by shifty Reimu Hakurei...who shifts into the wrong gear! And awaaay they go, on the trippy Touhou Wacky Races!

Wheee-haww, got me #418 in the daily ranking for Feb. 9! Whoo-hoo-hoooooo!!!! [tn]As might be expected, this is essentially a pastiche of the English opening, with driver and car names altered to fit the Touhou theme. This isn't entirely literal, instead drawing upon the actual English opening for phrasing, but it's essentially the same meaning.
*Magic Nitori, parodying the Japanese dub's name for the car, Magic Three.
**890 = Ha-ku-rei[/tn]