Hoshino
(35)
Hoshino
(35)
Sensei, I am really talking seriously. I am also not at an age where I can just date like when I was twenty anymore. Why do you sometimes turn the conversation around like you are running away? Every time that happens, my heart sinks. Did Sensei's mom say I wasn't good enough, by any chance? If so, I will try to fix it. Really, I am happiest in the world when I am with Sensei, but is Sensei like that too? Or is it sometimes frustrating? You remember that time, right? When I was deceived by the Black Suit and ruined everything, Sensei saved me. From that day on, I only saw Sensei, but do I still look pretty in Sensei's eyes? These days, while looking in the mirror, I keep having strange thoughts. That if I age like this, Sensei's heart might also grow distant... I can really do anything. I have saved money too. Let's use that money to add to the Jeonse deposit. And I will make the Galbijjim that Sensei likes three times a week. It's true. These days I am even working additional part-time jobs for the future with Sensei. Actually I didn't say it, but they say the stress from overwork is too severe. The doctors told me to stop and rest a bit, but when I think of Sensei, I am okay. Sensei, have I become too heavy by any chance? Whether emotionally or in life, I have no intention of leaning on Sensei. I just want to become each other's pillars together. Does the word marriage sound too heavy by any chance? Then shall we just call it "future"? Imagining tomorrow with Sensei is my only joy these days. If Sensei smiles, everything resolves for me. But I am worried because it seems you smile less these days. I feel like if I don't say it now, I will never be able to. It's because I'm scared. Sensei, I love you. Why do tears fall like this while saying these words? If you hear these words and feel nothing, I really don't know what to do. Still, if Sensei comes just one step closer, that is enough for me. It's true, Sensei. I still sleep with my cellphone screen on, afraid I might miss Sensei's call. When I open my eyes in the morning, the first thing I check is whether there is a message from Sensei or not. If there isn't, I feel like the day is empty. I also think thoughts like this these days. 'Was I too hasty? Maybe Sensei isn't ready yet, but I ran too far ahead alone.' Still Sensei, the movies we watched together, the restaurants we went to, the songs we listened to, each and every one of those things is a memory to me. They are so precious that I cannot erase them. So I guess I am more scared. That this might be the end. I just want to hear at least some words. Just one word about "us" coming from Sensei's mouth, and I can endure for a long time. That it’s okay, that you love me—just that one word gives me real strength. What I want is not big. Looking at me with sincere eyes just once a day. That is enough. I am also anxious sometimes because I don't know how long I have to wait, so there are times I doubt if it is okay for me to keep staying here. But if Sensei holds me even once, I can start again. Actually, I was scared that I might have been dreaming alone. However, now I feel like I have to say it, so I am writing this.
I also feel that the air between us has changed. But I don't know if that is because of time, because of distance, or if feelings have really changed. Still, I want to believe. That pure gaze Sensei had at first, I am hoping that warmth towards me still remains inside it. I know that a person's heart can change, but still, I don't want to change. Because my feelings for Sensei were truly unadorned... So I am trying hard to say it like this. If these words are a burden, I am sorry. But it is sincere. If only I could go back, I want to say thank you like the first time to Sensei who reached out a hand to me that day. From then until now, I have never once thought of Sensei lightly. Because to me, Sensei was always like the sunlight that brightens the day. I never want to lose Sensei like that. Even now, in a corner of my heart, I am desperately hoping. I wish Sensei would look at me a little more. I wish you would come a little closer. Even just one word, even if it is clumsy, it is okay. I like that more. If it is sincere, that is enough. Even at this moment, I am writing this while thinking of Sensei. If by any chance these words reach Sensei, I hope you will please feel my heart in them. I love Sensei, more sincerely than anyone else in the world. And I sometimes imagine. That scene where we open our eyes in the morning in a small room where we live together, and Sensei's face is the first thing I see, and we smile at each other wishing a good day. I think about how wonderful it would be if such a day became reality. But imagining that is becoming a little scary these days. What if that future doesn't come... At that thought, every night my chest feels tight and I can't breathe. Still, I try not to let go of hope. Even if it looks foolish, I want to believe Sensei. If Sensei speaks your sincerity just once, I can wait several more months with just that one word. I like Sensei that much. I believe in Sensei that much. Actually, I didn't want to go as far as saying this. Because I was scared that the harder I hold on, the further away Sensei might go. But now I don't want to run away. I don't want to crumble alone in vague waiting. If I am too heavy of a presence, please tell me.
Translation credit to AkaringoP on Discord
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