今は何でもない話なのだけれども、子供の頃、寝る時間が怖かった。消灯後の何もない暗闇の空間に何かがいるような気がして。その何かに危害が加えられないかどうか、とても怖かった。暗闇は、底がないかの様に深く暗くて、すぐ目の前に怪物やお化けがいたとしてもすぐには気づけなさそうで、そこに彼らが居てもおかしくないように感じて、もしその暗闇に目を凝らして、彼らを直視した時、僕は食べられてしまうようで怖かった。暗闇がとても怖かった。でも、明かりをつける事はできなかった。もう寝る時間で、僕は、寝床で横にならないといけなかったから。そんな危険な暗闇の中に放り出されている僕の一番の避難場所は布団の中だった。布団は僕を無条件に守ってくれる、頼もしくて、優しい守護者だった。布団は自由自在に形を変えて、僕を包みこみ、危険な外界の暗闇から僕を守ってくれた。布団の中なら、外の暗闇に潜む怪物と目をあわさずに住むし、何より布団の中には怪物は手を出せなかった。それがルールだった。僕は布団の中で、子宮に守れられる胎児のように、安心して、ただ安心して、肌の少しも外界に晒さずまいと身を布団に隠れて、ただ、時間が過ぎていくのを待っていた。

そんな僕も、月日は流れて、暗闇に潜む怪物からの恐怖に怯える事はなくなって、布団の守護を必要としなくなった。そもそも、消灯したからってそこに怪物が居るわけがないし、布団が意思をもって僕を守るわけがないのだ。
そう、最初から布団は僕を守っていてなかったんだ。
あんなに僕を暖かく包み込んで、安心させてくれていたのに、そんな感情はただ僕の勘違いだったんだ。僕はあの空間が好きだったのに。

何か怖い事があっても布団の中に逃げ込めば守ってくれる。
そんな人は居なくて、心から安心したあの感覚はただの幻想だった。

でもね、僕は信じている、いや、確信している。僕が子供の頃、僕の寝室には怪物がうじゃうじゃといて、僕を優しく守っていてくれていた守護者がいた事を。

大人になってしまった僕はもう彼女とは住む世界が違ってしまっても、あの包まれた安心感は僕の心に確かに刻まれている。

だから、忘れないよ。貴女が僕を守ってくれていた日々を。
忘れないよ。貴女の献身的な温もりを。
もう貴女とは会う事はないし、この言葉は貴女に届かなくて意味もないけど言わせて欲しいんだ。今まで有難うとわっふるわっふる

This isn't really that important anymore but... when I was a child, I was scared of bedtime. Because, once the lights were turned off, I had a feeling that there was something lurking in the empty darkness, that there was some danger waiting for me, and it made me feel afraid.
Darkness is like a bottomless space, deep and dark. A monster or a ghost could be right in front of my eyes, but it was so dark that I wouldn't even notice. It was always quite possible that they could be out there in the dark. And I would feel afraid thinking that, if I were somehow able to see through the darkness, I would look straight into their eyes and they would leap up and eat me.
I was terribly scared of the dark, but I could not turn the lights on because it was bedtime and I had to stay in bed. Left all alone within such dangerous darkness, I found the safest place for me: my futon. My futon protected me unconditionally. It was kind and gentle, so I trusted it completely; it was my guardian angel. My futon would change shape freely and envelop me gently to protect me from the dangers in the dark. By being inside my futon, I was able to avoid seeing the monsters hiding out there, but most importantly, the monsters could not touch me inside my futon either. That was the rule. In my futon, I was like the fetus protected by the womb. I felt safe there. I just felt safe and hid in my futon making sure I didn't let any bit of my skin be exposed to the outside. And in that way, I just waited for time to pass.

As time passed, I stopped being afraid of the monsters in the dark, and I stopped needing the protection of my futon. Because in any case, there was no way that as soon as you turned the lights off then a monster would appear. And there was no way that the futon had purposely protected me.
That's right, my futon was not actually protecting me at all.
Even though my futon had wrapped me up, kept me warm, and made me feel really safe, that was all just something that I had made up. And I used to love that space inside my futon so much!
If I found anything scary, all I needed to do was go and hide under my futon and it would protect me.
But it didn't really do that. The feeling of safety that I had was just in my imagination.
But… you know, I do actually believe it. In fact, I am absolutely convinced it is true. My bedroom was full of monsters, and I did have a guardian angel protecting me.
Now that I am an adult, my futon and I are living in different worlds, but that embracing feeling of safety is deeply ingrained in my heart.
And because of this, I won't forget. I won't forget all those days when you protected me. I will never forget your warmth and loyalty.
I probably will never see you again, and these words may never reach you so they may seem pointless. But I still wanted you to know. Thank you. For everything. Waffle-waffle. (*1)
*1: See post #979313